The Ballad of the Prince
by princessofpyke
Summary: Severus just made the worst mistake of his life, he lost his best friend and the only person he cared about. What will he do about it? Not even he knows. He doesn't even know his feelings might not be as unrequited as he thinks.
1. Prologue and Sorry

_I'm sorry_, he wrote.

_I'm so very sorry_, he wrote.

_I didn't mean it_, he wrote.

I did,though, he thought.

_But you have it all wrong,really_, he wrote.

He sighed.

_Lily, really, I love you_,he wrote.

_but I will never say that aloud it would sound ridiculous and you'd probably laugh_,he wrote._ Laugh at the thought I'm sure, I'm sorry though, I'm really sorry you'll never know what I feel for you._

He scribbled all over he words._ No that's the wrong thing to say_, he acknowledged.

_Lily, I am sorry. I am truly sorry and moreover words will never describe how sorry I am. But it's his fault. Potter, yes him!_

_No,no, _he thought as he scribbled once more.

This is not victim blaming and this was not, as horrible as arrogant Potter might be, his fault.

He gulped, _the truth is_. The truth. He took a deep breathe and wrote:

_Lily, I am sorry. I never wanted you see me like that. And that Potter, you know how he loves to torment me. He just comes with his friends and I try, I really tried, to fight back. But it's no use. And soap begans to fill my mouth. And then you come to defend me. I needed you to defend, how pathetic am I? Potter and his friends they're all laughing. And he looks at you. The way he looks at you,Lily, it kills me. He looks at you like you're some kind of food. It disgusts me. And next thing I know I'm hanging upside down and my pants are down, and they're bursting out laughing. And you, you smiled. You really did, I saw you. You must of thought it was kind of funny. You thought he was funny. Then he asks you out and I'm upside down. And I can't do anything about it. Then he says how lucky am you were here to save me. Imagine that, you had to save me. Save me, like always. I can't do anything apparently, I was never good at anything, that's what my father always said. And he was right._

_Here I am in my underpants while the biggest bully and my worst enemy Potter throws romantic remarks at the girl of my dreams and insists how lucky I am, poor snivellus, to have her save me. And I was angry. Angry at myself for letting you see me like this. And I said it. Yes, I said those words and I did mean it right there, I know I did. I saw your face you were angry, not sad or hurt,just angry. Typical Lily, you're always a hothead you know? And you called Snivellus, you actually said that. It's funny. It's funny somehow. I'm sure one day I will be laughing at this but right now I feel like I will never be happy again. _

_After you walked off, Potter and his friends left. They did bother me a little longer about calling you that name but it didn't matter. It didn't hurt me at all. Nothing hurt after you left. It just didn't matter anymore. Nothing really does, Lily. I really did mean to stay there and sleep if you didn't come out, in fact I should of stayed there and rot. It's what I deserved. But you did come out, and you were still angry. Again, typical Lily, always a hothead. And you said what you said. And how you didn't want to talk to me again. And about Mulciber and Avery and being a Death Eater. Ha, if you only knew how little that comes to relevance to me right now. I didn't actually laugh when I wrote ha, I'm incapable of humor remember? Well that's what you used to say. But even Lily if I ever left them, if I ever stopped hanging out with them, would it even matter? Maybe we still be friends. Maybe I would still be able to smile about something. But you'd still end up with Potter, it seems to me that a very long time ago I decided you two would end up together. Yes, he's an arrogant toerag but even can I admit he has his charms. Pretty sure you could agree. I seen you, sometimes you smile a bit, just like the little tiny smirk you gave when I was upside down. And although right now you smile, one day you'll laugh. And I know when you laugh it will be the end of everything. _

_And now, as the write this I have come to the realization, why bother trying? Why should I even bother? Why should I give up the chance to be a Death Eater and actually be somebody people like Potter and his friends will respect just to keep my friendship with you? When in reality I know that's not what I really want. What I really want is for you to be happy, eternally and blissfully happy, that's all that matters to me. But I really liked, I really wished,actually, it could be because of me. I wish I could be that eternal source of happiness. I wish you would end up falling for me, not him. And although in my deepest thoughts and my ever sweetest dreams you're my wife and we're far away from Spinner's End,I find myself waking up to the reality that's never going to happen. You're just too good for me. _

_That's the thing you're right about, your friends were right; why do you even talk to me? I'm such a nobody and I'm nothing special. Maybe you talk to me out of pity I suppose. I hope not, the last thing I want is for you to have pity for me. Enough people already pity me, I don't need you out of all people to pity me. I don't want you to that at all. I want you to look up to me, I want to be strong, to be strong for you. That's why I really joined the Mulciber and the others to begin with. I always had the knack and passion for the Dark Arts but it was that power, the idea of being somebody. Somebody who would impress you. Someone who'd sweep you off your feet. Someone like Potter and at same time someone not like Potter. Someone you'd actually want at your side, someone who could be strong like you and brave like you. Because Lily, you are so strong and brave. I could never be as strong or brave as you._

_You are so many things to me,Lily. You are smart and you're very clever at potions, believe me I know. I know how you say I'm better at potions than you but no, you're probably the sole reason I am even remotely good at potions. Potions was the first class we ever took together and we became a team,remember? You told me the ingredients and I brew them. We were, indeed ,a great team. And I learned to love it, I loved it because you were there. And you smiled, I love your smile,by the way. I like how you cheered for us when we won one of Slughorn's many rewards. I also remember how you almost burn the whole class down, you're always in a rush to finish aren't you? We had fun there, I had fun there. Because of you._

_Another thing you are to me,Lily, which is probably the most insignificant thing, you are beautiful. You are so beautiful words don't do you justice. You always manage to take my breathe away, even at your so-called worst when you would say 'Sev, don't look at me! My hair looks hideous.' you never did. You're so silly. You were always silly, Lily. (I got to stop using past tense verbs or I'm going to end up sobbing all over this letter!) Since the first time I saw you on that swing, you were so beautiful. And you never stopped being beautiful. Ever. I can't recall ever seeing you ugly or hideous at all. Or normal. I love your air and how it moves in the wind. I also love when you have it tied up and a single strand falls on your face. I love your eyes. Your eyes. I could actually sit all day and stare at your eyes and I would be the happiest person._

_I recall us sitting by the trees and you babbling about something (I do pay attention to what you say and you know that! I just can't recall the conversation right now, but maybe in the future I will, if you even speak to me again) and I just stared into your eyes the whole time, they were as always bright and cheery. You're never dull, you know? There was never a dull moment with you._

_The last thing you are to me Lily, you are hope. Hope that everything will get better. Hope that there is good people in the world. People like you Lily, not like Potter and his friends. People like you who care about others. You give me so much hope. As a sat there in my house over the summer after our first year at Hogwards, and I wiped the blood from nose and I kept hearing my father's voice getting louder and louder... and mother began to cry, I thought of you, of you, your green eyes, your voice and suddenly everything seemed better. My nose did not bleed anymore. And my scars weren't visible anymore. Nothing hurt anymore, because I knew tomorrow I would go out to the park with you! And we would sing together and we would be together. And we are together,Lily, I feel like it's forever. _

_I wouldn't mind,really, being with you forever. Nothing would make me happier really. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry about calling you that word. And that I'm sorry I haven't been a very good friend. And I'm sorry I haven't been there to protect you,like you would ever need me to protect you. I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about every single thing I ever said that even remotely hurt you or discomfort you. _

_The truth is Lily, I like you very much. No, I love you. I love you. I love you so much. I love you,Lily Evans. I love you. I wish I could scream down the Great Hall and yell out so loud the whole castle could hear. I wish James could hear, I wish he punched me for it. I wished Mulciber and others would hear,I wish they ridiculed me and called me a mudblood lover. I wish your friends would know, I wish they gave a hard time for having such a horrible and terribly looking boy be in love with you. I wish you came up to me and telled me you didn't feel the same way. I wish all of this could happen. And none of this would matter because I love you. And you would know it. And that would be all that truly matters. I love you,Lily. I've always had. And I always will. _

_And I realize, as am writing this, none of this matters. Why? Because you'll never hear it. Or I will never speak it. Nor will you ever read. Because like I said before,Lily, you are so brave and I, I am a coward. I am a coward for not building up the strength to give you this letter. And I knew this since the first 'I am sorry' I wrote. But still I wrote. Because I feel, if you ever read it. Or if you never talk to me, at least I can look at this letter and know why. I know I'm horrible and I don't deserve you. You're probably extremely lucky we're not even friends anymore. It's probably the best thing that could have ever happened to you. You don't need me to be happy. I need you. It kills me know I will no longer get lectures from you in the library. Or get you to flash me a smile from the Gryffindor table. Or just accidently brush my hand against yours. It kills me it really does._

_As you know, I'm a very good writer. I can only ever so write analytical essays and explains the logic behind things. And the logical thing to say is that I ruined everything and I am the sole provider of my own unhappiness. And I hope,perhaps, in my wildest dream that tomorrow you'll look at me. That you'll talk to me. That it won't be all over. But it is. And I'm sorry. _

He put his quill down as he finished his last thought. He neatly folded the letter and place inside his trunk. Hopelessly he fell onto his bed.

_Why can't I just die? _he thought as he buried his face in his pillow. The room was dark and still. He heard Avery's loud snores._ Music to die to_, he thought. Warm tears streamed down his face. He sobbed soflty. And then he thought no more.


	2. Prologue and Last Minute

First of all,thanks so much for reading! And I apologize for how difficult the format was to read in the previous chapter. (It started as a little idea scribbling around on notepad!) Now this one is easier to read,and I been meaning to write one of these since forever so I hope most sincerely you enjoy it!

* * *

><p>"I'm so done with him!" Lily exclaimed at her friend Mary who was sitting across the Gryffindor common room.<p>

"Was it really that bad?" Mary asked concerned.

"Ugh, I don't want to talk about it," said Lily sitting beside Mary.

"No but really, Lil, what did he say?" Mary asked intrigued.

Lily acknowledged her friend Mary had a knack for being nosy and wanting to know things that didn't concern her. But she figured she _had_ to tell someone. At least she could tell Mary and she would be sympathetic about it. Not like her others friends who would probably scowl her and say "I told you so" over and over again. Not only scowl but say harsh things about him. And as much as Lily hated him right now she could not bear to hear anyone say anything horrible about her best friend. _Ex-best friend_, she thought to herself. That was the thing about Lily; she could be fully angry at someone but never angry enough to purposely be hurtful or loathing.

Lily sighed and gave in to Mary's request. "He said he was really sorry and he didn't mean it,"

"And did you for a second believe it?" Mary asked rather curiously.

"Well…" Lily said under her breathe. It didn't matter whether she believed it or not. He said that word to her,it was clear she's just another mudblood to him. Why should it matter whether he's sorry or not? It didn't.

"It doesn't matter anymore,Mary. Whether he is sorry or not, I'm done making excuses for everything he does! I always put a lot of reasoning to why he does things but, no, not this time. I'm done, really, I am." Lily said exasperated.

Lily started blankly down at her feet. "Whenever he does things, "Lily began," things I don't like that is, I always assume he didn't mean it or I have it all wrong, or things! I don't know, I just know I don't want anything to do with Severus anymore. He's just as horrible at one of those Death Eaters he hangs out with."

"But Lily, you're the only friend he has, real friend that is! And you two have been friend for an awfully long time." Mary said carefully.

Lily was surprise at this reply.

"Since when are you Team Snape?" Lily asked looking sternly at her friend. "I thought you hated him like Alice and Abby," she added.

"Well, I don't hate him… And I don't like him, either." Mary said slowly. "But I do feel sorry for him, you know?" Mary said thoughtfully.

"I mean besides you and those, those Death Eaters…" Mary said. "He's quite a loner. He doesn't seem to have anybody besides you, you know?" Mary added.

Lily shook her head. She guessed Mary was right. He was a loner, he had always been one. He wasn't exactly quite social and he supposed he wasn't at all appealing to others. She noted the comments Potter and his friends said to him earlier that afternoon. And she noted what everyone else said about him. She especially realized what her friends said about him.

"_Why do you hang out with him, Lil, he's such a git!"_

"_Seriously Lily does he ever wash his hair?"_

"_Doesn't he have any _other_ friends he can bother?"_

"_Is he always so dry?"_

"_Hey Lily, there goes your Death Eater boyfriend!"_

All these comments were followed by smirks, giggles and loud snorts. Lily usually ignored those comments because she felt that's all they were remarks and comments made by her group of more or less dim-witted friends. However, now that their friendship was formally over, she couldn't help but admit to herself they were right. They had always been right. It was a bitter realization to her.

"I guess so, Mary. But even so! If our friendship meant a whole lot to him he wouldn't have said what he said, would he?" Lily protested.

Mary bit her lip. "I guess not," Mary replied.

"Then?" Lily said quickly. Mary stood quiet. Lily gave a heavy sigh and looked down once again. She began to play with her hair nervously.

"It's over, it really is," Lily said finally.

Mary looked at Lily with concerned eyes. "How do you feel?" she asked sincerely.

Lily did not look at her and rather continued fiddling with her hair. "Good, I guess…" Lily said dryly.

"I know this may seem odd of me, asking at these questions and especially cause I was never found of Snape to begin with." Mary began to say.

"But…regardless, you two were friends and good friends, that is or I suppose you were," Mary said. She looked at Lily who seemed to be listening. Mary gave a quick sigh. "And it must be awful to end a friendship or any kind of friendship for that matter." Mary added quickly.

"I suppose it is quite tragic in some ways." Lily replied thoughtfully. She shook her and said, "Well, it happens, all things must come to an end!" Mary continued to look at Lily, she was rather not convinced.

Lily gave a swift look at the clock placed neatly above the fire place. "OH, look, it's already ten til ten." Lily said eagerly.

"OH, time passes by so fast!" Mary said anxiously. "Come on, Mary, you better go to bed we have more OWLs tomorrow." Lily said standing up. The girls both stood up, Mary reached out for her Defense against the Dark Arts book which was sitting on the edge of the table.

"Well, at least we managed to get some studying done!" Mary said rather happily.

"I know, I hope we don't do so terrible." Lily said casually. She gave her friend her notebook swiftly. Lily sat down back in the couch.

"You aren't going to bed?" Mary asked sternly.

"Oh, me? Oh, no, I want to do some last minute cramming," Lily said rather playfully. "I want to make sure this year I get straight Os, or I can only hope to." She added giving Mary a smile.

"Are you sure?" Mary asked half convinced.

"I'm positive." Lily replied casually.

Mary gave her a slight smile. "Oh, well, then Lily!" Mary said. "Good night, see you tomorrow!" Mary said almost casually as she walked towards the stairs.

"Goodnight, Mary!" Lily said almost gleefully.

_Almost that is_, Mary thought as she walked up the stairs. _She almost convinced me_, Mary thought.

Lily waited until Mary disappeared into the darkness of the stairs. Once she was no longer visible, Lily let her school book out her hands and tossed to the other side of the couch. She gave a heavy sigh and bit her lip anxiously.

She completely collapsed even further onto the couch. She weakly grabbed her potions notebook and skimmed the pages as if looking for something to grab her attention. After a few moments and many pages of half read sentences, Lily tossed the notebook aside. She looked endlessly at the fire in front of her. She meekly grabbed the pillow next to her and placed it on her lap.

She began to grip tightly to pillow.

Then she began to squirm a little. She let out a slight whimper. Her face revealed a big frown and tears began to stream fluidly down her face. She began to sob instantly. She felt her face getting warm with tears.

She took the pillow and dug her head deep into it. She sobbed harder, but she maintained a balanced level of noise. She didn't want to wake up anyone nor did she want to be disturbed by anyone. She tried to wipe the tears of her face.

Lily, then, lay completely on the couch with the pillow next to her. She again dug her wet face on to it again.

_Filthy Mudblood_, he had said.

She continued to weep quietly as the fire died down.

Last minute cramming was not what she had intended to do when she sent Mary upstairs.

Last minute crying, yes, that sounded about right.


End file.
